{Our Precious Angel}

What do you say when you just can't seem to write about the biggest thing in your life?


It all started October 25th when we found out we were pregnant with our 3rd baby.

We were extremely excited we had left it up to God if we were meant to have another baby and both felt this was a wonderful blessing. I couldn’t wait to tell our family and the boys. They had been asking about babies and requested a baby sister to be born soon. I couldn't wait to feel the baby kicking, talk about names, seeing my belly grow and holding a precious newborn on my chest again after being born.

We went to several doctors appointments, had many rounds of blood work, several ultrasounds and everything was “perfect” Our baby would be due July 4th..We told our families, our boys and close friends..

But something didn't feel right. I tried to be positive but something kept nagging at me. I tried to ignore it I thought maybe it was just a new scared feeling because all of the work I do for Now I lay me down to sleep. We saw a specialist at 11 weeks and there he/she was kicking away. Beautiful heart rate and just perfect! My Next appointment at 12 weeks the Dr. could not get the heart beat on the Doppler. She assured me it was because of the position of the baby and everything would be ok to come back tomorrow for a quick scan, so we did..

Something was wrong... we had lost our baby. Just like that..

I was so thankful Andy was there with me because I lost it. All this 4 days before Christmas… So the Dr. Scheduled the D&C for 2 days later and then the reality hit that my baby was really gone ….

It doesn't matter that he or she was only 11 ½ weeks; it was our baby. I loved that baby with everything I had. I dreamt about him or her. I could literally feel the baby in my arms.

And then it was gone.

Even now, more than a month later, I struggle to put into words how I feel. The best way I can describe it is just that feeling of something missing. My arms feel empty. My heart is missing a little piece. Every time Adan asks when we are going to have a baby, my soul aches just a little bit more.

There hasn't been a time when my faith has been tested so greatly. Have I been angry? Sure, at times. Who wouldn't be? Have I been depressed? Yep. Denial. Frustration. Devastation. But one thing has remained -- hope.

But through all this I feel stronger Andy and I have grown closer and even more blessed that I do have 2 healthy beautiful boys and thankful for the amazing people in our lives… So where do I go from here..I don’t know but I do know it’s not my plan and I am in God’s hands so what is meant to be for us will be and I just need to love and live fully each day and appreciate all the blessings in my life…